After beating the Dalai Lama in a game of golf, Carl Spackler received the gift of total consciousness on his deathbed, since the Dalai Lama wouldn’t cough up the money that he had bet on the game. Consciousness is a humbling experience, it causes panic and pride, both with seemingly copious amounts. Some say that ignorance is bliss, and at times I yearn for ignorance, constant reexamination, doubt and other outcomes sometimes overtake me. Although consciousness allows us to know and understand where we are and what we must do. But at night, tossing and turning, waiting to fall asleep, my head is sometimes filled with past scenarios and I become totally enveloped in questioning myself as to whether or not I made the right decision. I think it is something that we all go through trying to navigate our lives.
I don’t know if I would want total consciousness on my deathbed. Between having to say goodbye to my family and trying to maintain my composure and self-respect. I think that a final lapse of total self-consciousness would just add more drama to possibly the most traumatic part of my life, the ending of it. Rather than laying there waiting to cross over, I would rather it happened quick and relatively painlessly. But only time will tell, I got plenty of work ahead of me. Back to those sleepless nights. During the daytime, I still have the same questions, but I can reach out for advice and answers. But at night I am all alone, left to my own devices to ask questions of myself, in a fatigued state.
I wonder if this symptom of restlessness helps to create and customize my attitude and personality for the next day. Helping to remind me that if I am not careful and I don’t pay attention, then the effects could be devastating. As much as I cannot stand these sleepless nights, I think they help me to make better choices tomorrow and so forth. In the past I would self- medicate to fall asleep, but now I run the course, perhaps my body is helping me to work something out.
I no longer look to numb myself from myself and the world, I just take one step at a time. It is never easy, and at times it seems that all I encounter are mountains, but if I continue to reexamine what has happened in the past, then at least I know where to place my next step. Nothing is guaranteed and nothing is free. I hope that when my time does come, that if I am stricken with total consciousness. I will be at peace with my entire life, accepting that I am who I am. This is merely a request, hopefully it will be granted.